I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
