tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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