she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
