I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
