i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
