Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
