if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
