shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
