We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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