my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize