You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
