I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
