Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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