I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
