I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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