i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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