the condom got lost in my hair
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
