i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
