Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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