I'm lost and stupid without you.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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