Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize