Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
