He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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