I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
