You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
