I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
