i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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