I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
