i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
