I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
