woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
