I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Who died my cat blue again?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
