i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
