normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
