Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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