i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Randomize
