i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
