I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Are we still banned from the library?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
