i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
