My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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