By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
