it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize