My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
