Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
