if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
