the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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