I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You can't special order awesome
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
