She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
