i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
