i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
