Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
