Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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