I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
no. you can't hotbox the world.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
