We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
