i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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