Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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