He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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