I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
